A dad review of Ridley Scott's 'Napoleon

SFGATE columnist Drew Magary subjected 'Napoleon' to the Dad Movie Test Before I even had children, I loved dad movies. I have every word of “The Fugitive” memorized. I once went full “Braveheart” and used “I loov ya. Ullwees have” as a pickup line in college (didn’t work). And I burst into tears at the end of “Saving Private Ryan,” to the point where my then-girlfriend actively distanced herself from me in the emptying theater because she was so embarrassed. So when I saw the trailer for “Napoleon,” which arrives in theaters this week, I immediately knew that this was my kind of movie … especially now that I have three kids and crave hefty doses of on-screen violence to get my motor running. When SFGATE got me into an advanced screening of this film, I was so pumped that I went to high-five my caddy and missed. Did I go 10 miles over the speed limit while driving my minivan to the theater? You know I did. Newsletters CULTURE A dad review of Ridley Scott's 'Napoleon' SFGATE columnist Drew Magary subjected 'Napoleon' to the Dad Movie Test By Drew Magary Updated Nov 21, 2023 11:29 a.m. Joaquin Phoenix in “Napoleon.” Joaquin Phoenix in “Napoleon.” Courtesy of Apple TV+ Before I even had children, I loved dad movies. I have every word of “The Fugitive” memorized. I once went full “Braveheart” and used “I loov ya. Ullwees have” as a pickup line in college (didn’t work). And I burst into tears at the end of “Saving Private Ryan,” to the point where my then-girlfriend actively distanced herself from me in the emptying theater because she was so embarrassed. Everything to know about visiting SF's Angel Island So when I saw the trailer for “Napoleon,” which arrives in theaters this week, I immediately knew that this was my kind of movie … especially now that I have three kids and crave hefty doses of on-screen violence to get my motor running. When SFGATE got me into an advanced screening of this film, I was so pumped that I went to high-five my caddy and missed. Did I go 10 miles over the speed limit while driving my minivan to the theater? You know I did. But is “Napoleon” — directed by dad movie legend Ridley Scott (“Gladiator,” “Blade Runner,” “Gladiator,” “The Martian,” “Gladiator,” “Black Hawk Down” and “Gladiator”) — a worthy entry in the dad movie canon? To figure it out, I watched the movie and then subjected it to the following test. You may apply this test to any future movie to ascertain its dad cred if you like. You can then say “merci buckets” to me shortly thereafter. Now let’s see how “Napoleon” fares under proper dad scrutiny. Everything to know about visiting SF's Angel Island So when I saw the trailer for “Napoleon,” which arrives in theaters this week, I immediately knew that this was my kind of movie … especially now that I have three kids and crave hefty doses of on-screen violence to get my motor running. When SFGATE got me into an advanced screening of this film, I was so pumped that I went to high-five my caddy and missed. Did I go 10 miles over the speed limit while driving my minivan to the theater? You know I did. But is “Napoleon” — directed by dad movie legend Ridley Scott (“Gladiator,” “Blade Runner,” “Gladiator,” “The Martian,” “Gladiator,” “Black Hawk Down” and “Gladiator”) — a worthy entry in the dad movie canon? To figure it out, I watched the movie and then subjected it to the following test. You may apply this test to any future movie to ascertain its dad cred if you like. You can then say “merci buckets” to me shortly thereafter. Now let’s see how “Napoleon” fares under proper dad scrutiny. ADVERTISEMENT Article continues below this ad Joaquin Phoenix in “Napoleon.” Joaquin Phoenix in “Napoleon.” Courtesy of Apple TV+ Is the movie impeccably cast? Yes. Joaquin Phoenix is your titular French war general, and he’s exactly as good as you expected him to be. The rest of the cast includes the correct blend of British accents and dangerous women. Newsletters CULTURE A dad review of Ridley Scott's 'Napoleon' SFGATE columnist Drew Magary subjected 'Napoleon' to the Dad Movie Test By Drew Magary Updated Nov 21, 2023 11:29 a.m. Joaquin Phoenix in “Napoleon.” Joaquin Phoenix in “Napoleon.” Courtesy of Apple TV+ Before I even had children, I loved dad movies. I have every word of “The Fugitive” memorized. I once went full “Braveheart” and used “I loov ya. Ullwees have” as a pickup line in college (didn’t work). And I burst into tears at the end of “Saving Private Ryan,” to the point where my then-girlfriend actively distanced herself from me in the emptying theater because she was so embarrassed. The origins of sourdough bread in San Francisco So when I saw the trailer for “Napoleon,” which arrives in theaters this week, I immediately knew that this was my kind of movie … especially now that I have three kids and crave hefty doses of on-screen violence to get my motor running. When SFGATE got me into an advanced screening of this film, I was so pumped that I went to high-five my caddy and missed. Did I go 10 miles over the speed limit while driving my minivan to the theater? You know I did. But is “Napoleon” — directed by dad movie legend Ridley Scott (“Gladiator,” “Blade Runner,” “Gladiator,” “The Martian,” “Gladiator,” “Black Hawk Down” and “Gladiator”) — a worthy entry in the dad movie canon? To figure it out, I watched the movie and then subjected it to the following test. You may apply this test to any future movie to ascertain its dad cred if you like. You can then say “merci buckets” to me shortly thereafter. Now let’s see how “Napoleon” fares under proper dad scrutiny. ADVERTISEMENT Article continues below this ad Joaquin Phoenix in “Napoleon.” Joaquin Phoenix in “Napoleon.” Courtesy of Apple TV+ Is the movie impeccably cast? Yes. Joaquin Phoenix is your titular French war general, and he’s exactly as good as you expected him to be. The rest of the cast includes the correct blend of British accents and dangerous women. Does the movie look like it cost a lot of money? https://sparrowaboveaveragedefence.com/rabsieci9?key=1f00111ccb0deb915f52e2e825ff527d Indisputably, and it did (somewhere in the $130 million to $200 million range). Is it epic? Oh, yes. “Napoleon” is two hours and 38 minutes long. This is almost merciful by modern blockbuster standards, but this is not a movie that flies by. It spans 28 years in the life of Napoleon Bonaparte — from making a name for himself as a military strategist during the Siege of Toulon in 1793, all the way through his reign as Emperor of the French and up to his death in exile in 1821. That’s a lot of ground to cover, and Scott covers quite a bit of it on foot. Does this movie have history stuff in it? Yes, and much of it famous. Toward the end of “Napoleon,” our great leader is laying out his master plan for yet another glorious military victory. He points to the municipality of Waterloo on a map. No further explanation is provided, because none is required. The second I saw the name “Waterloo” on the screen, my brain cried out I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE! To that end… Does the movie have cool battle scenes? F—k yeah, it does. Not only are the battle scenes in “Napoleon” gorgeously shot (Scott made his bones as an art director, which is why his movies always look so beautiful), but they include the following attractions: - Exploding horses - Decapitations - The main character defeating the bad guys by employing the element of surprise - Lines of drawn muskets - Generals yelling, “FIRE!” - Sabers - Cool old “Master and Commander”-style battleships - One army sneaking up on the other under cover of nightfall - Cannons that have super nasty recoil - Dead soldiers sinking down to a watery grave